Ask an Expert

Transcript

May 2006

Helping Young Children Resolve Conflicts

Karen Stephens, M.S. in Education, specializing in early childhood

My mother often tells me not to interfere with my children’s quarrels. She says it’s best for children to resolve their own arguments. Is that true?

Generally speaking, and within reason, your mother recommends a good beginning strategy. When children are within close age and developmental ranges, their relationships are usually children’s first “training ground” for learning how to relate to others. By living with siblings, children gradually learn how to handle conflicts in the face of competing wants and needs.

For children, a quarrel or low-keyed bickering helps them learn what social behaviors help them get what they want, and which ones are counterproductive. Practice relating to others in the safe home environment helps children develop independence and self-control. They also learn conflict resolution skills such as listening to and considering others’ viewpoints, negotiating, compromising, trading, sharing, bartering, problem solving, and so forth.

Children’s respectful conflict resolution and problem solving during quarrels is most likely to happen when they have good role models from adults and peers, and when caring adults have “coached” them along in the steps of respectful problem solving that focuses on constructive, respectful solutions rather than blame, threat, or punishment.

If sibling arguments flare into relentless name calling, teasing, taunting, or bullying, parents must step in to protect and ensure the rights of all family members. And, of course, unfair fights between children of very different ages or abilities should not be tolerated so the feelings of all are respectfully considered.

Generally, when children are taught how to listen to each other and to give and take within reason, a wise parent or caregiver can give children “room to learn” by standing aside and observing how children’s interaction skills develop.

It’s a delicate balance to determine when children’s squabbles should be allowed to “run their course” or be halted by an adult. It’s what makes parenting and child guidance an art rather than just a science.

I have a child in my class whose first impulse is to use physical force—hitting, kicking, even biting—when she has a conflict with another child. How can I get her to use words instead of fists?

Prevention is the first step. Reduce unnecessary frustrations by making sure the classroom environment sets the stage for success rather than fighting. Reasonable group size, a sufficient number of well-trained adults in the classroom to provide individualized attention and coaching, and enough space stocked with duplicate toys and adequate equipment help reduce conflict frequency.

Within such a supportive environment, when children do face conflict, they typically have more composure and emotional resilience to respond without aggression. Children’s impulse control is better when it isn’t constantly tested by a chaotic classroom atmosphere or environment.

Role modeling constructive interactions is also a good prevention strategy. Let children observe you solving problems with a co-teacher with words or through sharing of materials. Play with children in groups to model the give and take required for good social relationships.

Hold class meetings where children help develop a few basic behavior guidelines. During a calm meeting together, children—especially those age 2 years and older—can begin to discuss how they wish to be treated, and how people’s bodies and feelings should be safe in the classroom. Discuss behaviors that will not be ignored or tolerated, such as using violence to hurt someone’s body or feelings.

With the class, establish consequences for aggressive behaviors such as hitting, kicking, biting, etc. Dr. Jane Nelson, author of several positive discipline books, reminds us to make sure that consequences meet the “3 R” test. Consequences should be related to the deed, reasonable, and respectful. Wise selection of consequences teaches children self-control as well as ethics of how to humanely treat others.

Give children a lot of verbal guidance and coaching when they are expressing feelings. If you see a child’s nonverbal cues of emotional overload (such as gritted teeth, red face, narrowed eyes), go to the child, bend to her eye level, and reflect out loud what she might be feeling. Do this before the child has the chance to “act out” with aggression. For instance, say, “Your face is telling me you are very mad. Can you tell me what’s making you angry?” As the child responds, coach her on ways to address the problem. Say, “Have you told Toni what you are mad about? Would you like me to stand by you while you tell her? I’ll make sure she listens to you.”

After the child talks out the problem, let her know that you appreciate her settling the problem with words rather than by hitting. Also tell her she can be proud of herself for doing so.

Be sure to respond to and reinforce any child’s constructive problem-solving attempt whenever it occurs. For instance, “I see you traded Adam two short blocks for his long one. What a creative way to solve your problem.”

Resist labeling a child as aggressive or a “problem child,” and don’t allow other children to label a child that way either. I also don’t believe in referring to children as “biters.” That infers they can’t change their behavior and casts them in a role they sometimes feel they are destined to fulfill.

While teaching the “acting out” child how to control impulses and to use language instead of fists, simultaneously work with other classroom children to help them learn to stand up for themselves. For instance, tell them they don’t have to be hurt or yelled at. Encourage them to tell the yelling child why they don’t want to play when they are hurt or called names.

Reach out to the aggressing child’s parents to determine what stressors the child might be experiencing. Make a plan with parents on ways to consistently respond to the child’s conflict as well as his or her cooperation at home and in the classroom. Long-term mutual support at home and school makes it easier for children to learn expected codes of behavior.

I have a child in my class who is very mild mannered, so much so that he always yields to others when there is a conflict. How can I get this child to hold his own in disputes?

Perhaps this child’s temperament is shy or slow-to-warm-up. Or perhaps the child sees others in his home who allow people to emotionally “walk on” or ignore them. Whatever the reason, you are correct in thinking that children who are meeker or more compliant need your help with social competence as much as children who are aggressive.

As always, be a good role model. During an activity, if a child grabs a toy from you without asking, speak up for yourself by saying something like, “It hurts my feelings when you grab something out of my hand without asking. Try asking me instead of grabbing.” Then expect the toy to be returned to you.

Here’s a hypothetical example of Alex, a mild-mannered preschool child being physically overwhelmed. You observe Alex getting on a trike, but another boy—Brad—impulsively pushes him aside and begins to get on the trike to ride. Alex just stands by and lets Brad take the trike. This is a cue for you to help Alex learn how to stand up for himself. Below are some ways to respond.

Go next to Alex and ask Brad to get off the trike to talk with you and Alex. Bend to their eye level. Look at both children and say, “I saw Alex getting on the trike, but then Brad pushed him off. Alex, you don’t have to let someone treat you like that. You have a right to ride it just like everyone else.” Then ask Alex to tell Brad how he felt being pushed off the trike. Your physical presence will help communicate with Brad that you expect him to listen to Alex’s feelings.

Tell Brad you have faith that he can learn better ways to get what he wants. Then ask Brad to think of another way to get to ride the trike. If he doesn’t come up with some, suggest a couple of ways, such as when Alex is done riding he would tell Brad. Or perhaps Brad could go look for another trike to use. You want Brad to come up with alternatives to pushing Alex off the trike. Alex can give suggestions, too.

You can also coach Alex in ways of responding if the problem recurs. For instance, tell him, “Alex, you can say you had the bike first if someone tries to take it away. Make your voice sound like you mean it, too. If you need my help, I’ll come, but it’s important for you to solve this problem on your own.”

Following up with both children is also necessary. Be sure to catch Brad behaving appropriately and encourage him whenever you can. For instance, “Brad, I saw how gentle you were pushing Tonya on the swing. What a helpful friend you are.” And, of course, whenever you see Alex standing up for himself, you can verbally encourage him or simply give him a nonverbal thumbs-up or a “high-five.”

The 2-year-olds in my program are unusually impulsive. Can 2-year-olds learn constructive ways to resolve conflicts?

Absolutely. In fact, this age is a prime time for helping children master control of their behavior. Setting the stage for cooperation is important. Especially with 2-year-olds, make it easy to share. Have duplicates of your most popular toys to limit unnecessary conflicts.

Although this age group is often egocentric, 2-year-olds can be incredibly empathetic toward others. They are beginning to learn that others have feelings just like they do. Teaching these very young children how to read each other’s body language helps children understand the consequences of their actions. If a child tries to tug a toy from another, you can coach a child by saying, “Look at her face. There are tears. She doesn’t want you to grab her toy. Let’s see if we can find another one. Show me the toy basket.”

Give this age group very simple and short coaching directions. For instance, if children are playing at combing each other’s hair, reinforce self-control by saying, “Yes, you are being careful. Mikahla is smiling, she likes your soft touch.”

Children this age love mimicking adults, so role modeling works especially well. If a child has knocked down another’s building, the adult can sit down and start to help re-build the blocks—encouraging both children to join in.

Even though 2-year-olds don’t have a lot of verbal output, they do understand quite a lot of language. So pair your actions with verbal commentary to help them grasp meaning. They’re more likely to absorb what you are trying to teach them as well. For instance, in the situation above, as you help re-build a block structure, you can say, “Isaiah is frustrated his blocks fell. He wants us to walk around them. Let’s help him stack them again.”

I have a mix of ages in my family child care program: infants, toddlers, preschool-age, and school-age children. Can you give me some advice on techniques to help children who differ in age resolve conflicts?

It takes enormous patience and flexibility to accommodate the widely varying needs, experiences, and abilities of children in this wide age span. Establishing parameters for fairness for all, appropriate consequences, and expected problem-solving behaviors for all age levels and abilities can be quite challenging.

For infants, prevention of conflict lies solely with the adult. Nurturing basic trust and a strong attachment bond through predictable, responsive caregiving takes high priority. Older children in the program can learn much about empathy as they learn how to behave compassionately and ethically with infants and toddlers.

By about 18 months of age, most children will be able to engage in very simple and limited give and take with others. However, they will still be very dependent on adults to prevent and intervene with coaching when conflicting needs arise between children.

You’ll want to model a rich “feelings” vocabulary with this group. Match words with facial expressions. Translate body language for this age group, “He’s yelling because you grabbed his toy. He wants it back.”

You’ll be repeating behavior limits a lot to toddlers and 2-year-olds. For instance, if you say it once, you’ll say 10 times a day: “You may not throw toys. It hurts people. If you’re mad, stomp your foot, but you can’t throw toys.” With this age group (as well as with preschoolers), be sure to tell children specifically what they can do more often than what they can’t do. Hearing a constant drone of “nos” and “don’ts” and “stops” is wearing on any child.

Preschool children, ages 3 through 5 years, are able to name their feelings and desires during conflict, but they still need consistent coaching from adults to keep on track. They can understand which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. For instance, they can learn that hitting and biting are never okay.

With preschoolers, you’ll be directing less and guiding by asking questions more. For instance, you’ll say, “I see you both want to be the mother in your make-believe story. What kind of story can you create to let that happen?”

Preschoolers can be introduced to and coached through basic problem-solving steps to resolve conflict, which include the following:

1. Identify the problem.
2. Brainstorm options for solving the problem.
3. Evaluate pros and cons of each option.
4. Select one option that seems best to all.
5. Implement the option.
6. Evaluate the success of conflict resolution.
7. If necessary, repeat the steps until satisfaction is reached.

School-age children can carry out the above problem-solving process independently. With their more advanced abstract thinking and writing skills, they can even learn to make contracts with each other to guide resolution of future conflict. This age group can be encouraged to start a journal to help them cope with their wide array of deeply felt emotions. School-age children can also be encouraged to use creative ways to cope with conflict. If two children fight over something, they can write a “play” together that has characters solving the problem.

The really hard part of caring for children of all these ages is helping them resolve conflict between varying age groups. There will be times when a school-age child wants to lash out at a 2-year-old who accidentally spills water on his painting or a preschooler who gets in the way of play kickball. In such cases, it will take teaching school-age children that patience is expected with those younger than themselves. And 2-year-olds and preschoolers must learn that school-age children’s space must be respected.

Everyone will have to learn that life isn’t always fair at every moment. Sometimes we do things for the best of everyone involved, not just one person. That is why building a sense of community is so important—so that everyone cares enough to have patience and to make accommodations for each other’s skills, abilities, and limitations. In some cases, school-age children might just have to learn that they can’t play fast-paced physical games until the 2-year-olds of the group go home for the evening. And the preschoolers may need to learn that some computer games are just for older kids. That’s what living together is all about—understanding, compromise, and cooperation—with a huge dose of patience.

I’ve heard on the news that many children get expelled from preschool for behavior problems, often aggressive behavior with others. Do you think preschool children have become more aggressive, and, if so, does research suggest causes for this trend?

I don’t believe preschoolers are more aggressive today than in the past. However, contemporary trends contribute to children’s level of aggression. Many of the trends add stress to family life, which undermines children’s emotional reserves.

Children who consistently witness domestic violence, substance abuse, and neighborhood violence are more prone to adopt aggressive behaviors. Poverty and scarcity of social support resources for the “working poor” also add stress to family life.

Consistent exposure to violent media, including TV shows, cartoons, newscasts, movies, as well as violent video and computer games are part of what leads children to use physical or verbal aggression. Children left in “self-care” too early and for too long daily are also more vulnerable to those influences.

Certainly, poor-quality child care contributes to children’s aggressive acts. Inadequately trained staff, too few staff, too many children, and too few resources set the stage for negative interactions.

Rather than try to teach children so young to resolve conflicts, isn’t it more effective to establish rules and punish children who break them? That’s what I did, and my children are well behaved.

Most of us want well-behaved children. Children will get more social support when they interact with good manners and social skills. However, there are times when I believe children learn to be well behaved despite what we do, rather than because of what we do.

Since your children are well-behaved, there were probably lots of ways you encouraged them to be cooperative, respectful, and self-controlled. Citing rules and threatening impressionable children with physical or emotional punishment alone doesn’t do that.

How we guide children’s behavior should be dictated by our goals. When we review our goals, we can then select child guidance and discipline strategies that best support achievement of those goals. One of my goals for children is for them to learn to think and problem solve independently so they aren’t dependent on others to make decisions for them into adulthood.

I also want children to learn how to live a fulfilling life, a huge part of which involves good social relationships. I don’t believe children who behave only out of the threat of punishment—and fear —will be more socially skilled. I do believe children who are taught how to confront conflict with a variety of cooperative strategies will grow into adults who are better able to form and maintain close emotional ties with others.

I also hope children grow into self-directed adults with a good self-esteem. Discipline focusing on fear, shame, threats, and punishment does not produce those results but in fact undermines confidence and self-esteem.

I hope that children will learn ethical ways of getting along with others so that they choose to behave out of a spirit of cooperation and mutual respect, rather than out of fear of punishment or intimidation. My goal isn’t just for children to “obey, because I said so,” but for them to understand how respectful relationships are developed and maintained. And I want them to understand why certain expectations are set. Teaching children constructive and specific options for resolving conflict is one strategy for raising socially skilled and well-behaved children.

When we teach through patience, compassion, empathy, role modeling, and coaching, I believe children learn to turn to us for help—rather than fear us. Guidance and discipline shouldn’t alienate; in fact, the root of discipline means “to teach.” It behooves us to be sure we are teaching children something worth learning, such as peaceful conflict resolution skills.

What do you do if a child is too angry or upset to talk about the conflict?Helping children learn to “self-calm” is one of the most important “independence” skills we can nurture. Only when children regain composure on their own can they successfully control volatile, overwhelming impulses and emotions.

There are times when a child is sobbing—or acting out—so profusely that conflict resolution talk is useless at that immediate time. Anything said just misses the mark because a child isn’t able to focus and relax.

A caring adult can show empathy and give children “calm down” cues in a variety of ways. Coaching children by saying, “Take slow breaths,” or saying, “A quieter voice is needed,” sometimes helps. You can tell children you’ll listen to them when they stop screaming. I often just hold out a tissue, or offer a child a glass of water, to signal that it is time to wind down a tantrum.

For very young children, who might be frightened by their own loss of control, holding them securely on your lap while whispering soothing words to them may provide them with the safe emotional haven they need to regain calm and composure.

For preschoolers and older children, if you have a space that is calmer than the regular classroom, but still easily supervised by adults, you can have children go to that space until they calm down. In our program, we have a room the children call “The Soft Spot” because it has a couch, quilts, puppets, and stuffed toys. That is where “acting-out” children are directed if they fail to calm themselves in the play area with children.

Teachers have been known to say, “Yelling is scaring the other children. I don’t want them to be scared. If you choose to scream, go into the soft spot until you can stop. When you calm down, I’ll listen to what you are so angry about.” The goal is to say this once and not keep giving the child attention for a tantrum. If a child is particularly resistant, a teacher may say, “You may walk to the Soft Spot or I’ll carry you, but I won’t let you keep scaring us all with yelling.” Then immediately when the child regains self-control, step in and ask if he is ready to talk.

If relationships are good, the whole process shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes, at the most. And remember, children should never be left alone or unsupervised while they are trying to calm down. Overwrought children aren’t helped by feeling abandoned, but instead they need to feel supported by firm, calm, and caring adults.

We have a child who seems to enjoy conflict—he provokes other children just to get a reaction rather than because he really has a disagreement. How do you motivate a child to prefer getting along with others over sparking a drama?

Some children do crave “center-stage” more than others. And some children have learned that the easiest and fastest way to get attention is by pestering others or causing conflict. How you respond could vary based on what has reinforced this child’s behavior.

Generally speaking, you can give the “center-stage” child empathy and direct feedback, and then you can ask questions that encourage reflection. Let’s call the child Derek. For instance, you could say any of the following to him:

• “Derek, you seem to want to be with the other children. Pestering them isn’t working. Is there another way to get their attention? Can you think of one?”
• “Hum, it looks like the other children feel like you’re bothering them. It’s really frustrating not knowing how to make friends with people. Do you want me to help you think of some other ways?”
• “Derek, if you want the children to play with you, it helps to find something they are interested in. What do you think they might like to play with you here in the block center? Does your tall building need a window washer or a firefighter? Could you ask someone to play that with you?”
• “Derek, people don’t like to be annoyed with teasing, find some other way to talk with your friends.”
• “Derek, look at Tommy’s face. What is it saying? Does it look like he likes it when you push him?”
• Derek, I’m confused. It seems like you want friends, but you keep getting into fights with them. Why do you think that happens? Can you do something that could change it?”

What books do you recommend related to helping young children resolve conflicts?

You’re most likely to find reliable information on teaching children sound conflict resolution skills in books related to positive guidance and discipline, cooperative problem solving, and working with children’s individual temperaments. There are many available, but some of my favorite books, videos/DVDs, and training resources are listed below:

Books

• Understanding Temperament: Strategies for Creating Family Harmony by Lyndall Shick
• Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy
• Guidance of Young Children by Dr. Marian Marion
• Conscious Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey
• The Power of Guidance: Teaching Social-Emotional Skills in Early Childhood Classrooms by Dan Gartrell
• Kids Can Cooperate: A Practical Guide to Teaching Problem Solving by Elizabeth Crary
• Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Class Meetings: Young Children Solving Problems Together by Emily Vance and Patricia Jiménez Weaver
• Children’s Problem Solving Series by Elizabeth Crary from http://www.parentingpress.com. Children’s book titles include I Want It; I Want to Play; My Name Is Not Dummy; I’m Lost; I Can’t Wait;and Mommy, Don’t Go.

Videos/DVDs

• It’s Mine!: Responding to Problems and Conflicts by High/Scope Educational Research Foundation. (40 min.)
• Children and Conflict: An Opportunity for Learning in the Early Childhood Classroom from the National Association for the Education of Young Children at http://www.naeyc.org.

Parent Outreach Resource

• Parenting Exchange on CD by Karen Stephens, CD Collection #10: Friendship, Social Skills, Manners, and Diversity available at http://www.ChildCareExchange.com. Articles for parents and early childhood professionals on the CD include:
• Teaching Children to Resolve Conflict Respectfully
• That’s a Great Idea! Teaching Kids to Problem Solve
• 20 Ways to Encourage Children’s Resourcefulness and Creativity
• Empathy Paves the Way to Children’s Friendship Skills
• Social Skills Children Need to Make and Keep Friends
• Ways to Nurture Children’s Friendship Skills
• Friendship Skills: Children’s Books for Preschool to Age 8
• Friendship Skills: Books for Children Ages 8 to 12
• Parenting Kids with Slow-to-Warm-Up Temperament
• Everyday Ways to Teach Children Manners and Social Skills
• Help Kids by Role Modeling Respect for Diversity
• Responding to Kids’ Questions about Difference
• Tips for Teaching Kids to Respect and Enjoy Diversity
• Multicultural Resources for Kids’ Global Learning
• Encourage Children’s Positive Attitude toward Those with Special Needs
• Weekly Parenting Tips at http://www.parentingpress.com/weeklytips.html

Staff Training Resources

• What Do You Do with the Mad You Feel? Workshop (also available in Spanish) from the National Association for the Education of Young Children (http://www.naeyc.org)
• Out of the Box Training Kits by Dr. Kay Albrecht available at http://www.ChildCareExchange.com
• What’s So Positive about Positive Discipline?
• Braking Our Impulses: Shifting Gears to Positive Discipline

A child in my program has speech/language delays. What are some nonverbal strategies that I could show him to help him resolve conflicts when words fail him?

Role modeling good nonverbal communication skills, paired with verbal communication, will help children during times of conflict or calm. For instance, modeling eye contact with peers, smiling, taking turns, offering an outstretched hand to invite play, and nodding and tilting of the head when a play idea is well received will all help a language-delayed child get his thoughts and wishes across to peers. Holding up the palm of the hand or taking a slow deep breath are other ways to show children how to slow the pace of conflict so it doesn’t spiral out of control.

If a language-delayed child is hoping to make amends for a confrontation, you can always suggest alternate ways of saying “I’m sorry.” In fact, it’s good to teach this strategy to all children, since sometimes “making” a child apologize is very close to telling the child to lie. In such cases, I usually say, “If you want to make up from your fight, maybe your friend would appreciate a picture. Would you like to draw him one?” Of course, there are other similar gestures, such as sharing a toy, making a play dough figure, giving a child a flower from the play yard, and the like.

We have a wonderful soon-to-be 3-year-old, and for some reason, he wakes up cranky most of the time. What makes it worse is that he is extremely mean to my wife, and she cannot go near him until he is with me for a bit. He says, “Go away and leave me alone,” which upsets my wife. She is the absolute best mom to him, and after this initial period, he is "normal" around her the rest of the day. It is very frustrating and stressful that he initially acts this way. Most importantly, it hurts a wonderful mom deeply. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm glad to hear that your son does have a close emotional connection to bothparents throughout the day. It sounds as if the very start of the day is the main concern for you. Perhaps your child's behavior can be explained, in part, by temperament. Each of us has an inborn temperament or disposition, an innate preferred way of responding to others and the environment. Basic temperament is often categorized as easy, slow-to-warm-up, and difficult.

No one temperament is good or bad; it just is. It sounds to me like you have a little boy who finds change or transitions a bit hard to face. It might be caused by a "slow-to-warm-up" temperament. Such a temperament means he needs a bit longer to go through transitions and to make changes. Other indications of a slow-to-warm-up temperament could be strong resistance to new foods, struggles during arrival at and departure from child care, and shyness when getting used to a new teacher or setting.

Since I don't know your child, I can't be sure that temperament is the basis of your morning challenges, but it's my best guess, so my response will be based on that assumption.

Though I know it is hard for Mom not to feel rejected, it really is best if she accepts that you are the adult who helps your son transition from sleep time to active time most easily. This doesn't mean your son loves Mom any less; it's just his way of coping with transitions. The good news is that at least he's comfortable with one of you in the morning. Some children are cranky with both parents!

Mom should work on not taking your child's comfort level with you as a barometer of how much you each are loved. She shouldn't let your son's morning behavior affect her self-esteem or confidence level. Also, I would teach your child respectful ways to communicate his needs. He should not be allowed to speak meanly or lash out at her, but he should be allowed his "personal space" in the morning. Teach him respectful ways of saying he needs time with you.

It would be helpful if Mom would let your child "warm up" to the morning and then approach him after he's had time to fully wake up. If your child lashes out at Mom, be firm and matter-of-fact that you won't tolerate him hurting her feelings by yelling or pushing her away. And if he does engage in such inappropriate behavior, you can tell him that you won't linger with him in the morning until he shows kinder behavior.

Bottom line—it's wonderful that you both have a trusting bond with your child. It's respectful to the child to work with his preferred way of interacting with others rather than making him feel guilty for finding comfort easiest with Dad first thing each day. The sooner Mom can be nonchalant about your child's need for you to transition to the morning, the better. If he learns he can "manipulate" her and make her feel bad by playing one parent off of the other, bigger problems could arise. When your child has "wake-up" time with you, it's a perfect time for Mom to get some chores done on her own. That's some morning time many single parents would envy.

How do we as "the professional" teachers of preschool children prevent them from getting their feelings hurt by other children. For example, how do we handle statements such as "I won’t play with you" and "I won't be your friend"?

I think there are several issues here. I think children do have the right during many parts of the day to decide when, where, and with whom they wish to play. However, teaching them to express their play preferences tactfully is needed if children are to develop respectful social skills for life.

I also think some children use "friendship" to hold over others' heads as a way to lord power over peers or to manipulate them. I believe it's the parents' or teachers' job to teach children more ethical ways of interacting with others.

When encountering these situations, I usually first support the child who seems to be rejected or "turned down" for play. I might respond by saying, "There are many other friends to play with here. I'm sure you can find someone who wants to play house with you." Or I might interpret the situation by saying, "Matthew is very interested in building on his own right now. He doesn't feel like playing. Do you see anyone else who is available for play?" Or you can say, "Olivia doesn't seem interested in playing with the farm animals. Can you find someone else who is?"

Sometimes I help children stand up for themselves if someone tells them they "can't be their friend." For instance, you could say, "It sounds like he wants you to feel bad. You don't have to allow that. There are many others here who will want to be friends with you. I bet you can find them."

When children rudely respond to play overtures by saying, "I don't want to be your friend," I often interpret the nature of human feelings to him/her, too. I might say, "Tanya feels sad when you say she's not your friend. I'm wondering if you just didn't want to play right now. Maybe she'd feel better if you said maybe later, but not now. What do you think?"

I hope some of those ideas help. Also consider reading the book You Can't Say You Can't Play by Vivian Paley, a renowned teacher and author. It will help you reflect on the many issues your question implies. Learning how Paley fielded such issues in classrooms can help you sort out your own responses.

I would like to know how to prevent fighting between siblings. My young sons and their cousin fight quite often, and usually they hit each other. I would like to know how to teach them alternative methods to prevent fights from occurring. What do you suggest that I do to prevent sudden fits of rage?

Some "rough-and-tumble" play is quite typical for children from preschool through their school-age years. Often that type of play is a concern to parents, especially mothers. Most times for typical "rough-and-tumble" play, I recommend that parents let the kids have their fun and settle issues themselves. Settling minor skirmishes independently teaches children good lessons for dealing with others.

However, what you describe in your question sounds like it goes beyond mere play and ends with someone being physically hurt, so it does require attention and intervention. Also, if their play devolves into cruel or hurtful name calling, it needs to be addressed. Tolerating or ignoring out-of-line aggression—verbal or physical—makes children believe you think it’s okay. It's important to let children know where the limits and boundaries of appropriate behavior lie.

Observe the children's behavior patterns to gain insight into what causes the physical aggression. Are they jockeying for position in the family? Are they trying to get adult attention or distract adults? Are they fighting over particular toys or attention of a popular cousin? Does play deteriorate into fighting at a particular time of day when the kids are hungry or especially tired? Answers to those questions can guide your responses. If you're lucky, solutions can be simple—a snack really can help give children the emotional energy they need for getting along with others.

Consider reading Angry Children, Worried Parents: Seven Steps to Help Families Manage Anger by Sam Goldstein, Robert Brooks, and Sharon Weiss. It will give you a foundation to reflect upon and will help you analyze your boys' behavior. Plus, here are some basic tips to keep in mind:

• Role model constructive interactions. Let children observe you solving problems by talking and negotiating with a family member.
• Create household behavior rules, including all the cousins in the creation. For instance, you have every right to set a rule that in your home children won't physically hit each other when angry.
• Focus on stating behavior guidelines positively. State what children CAN do, rather than focus on what they "can't" do. For instance, a rule can be "Disagreements will be solved by talking it out. Hitting is not allowed."
• Establish consequences for aggressive behaviors such as hitting, kicking, etc. Dr. Jane Nelson, author of several positive discipline books, reminds us to make sure that consequences meet the “3 R” test. Consequences should be related to the deed, reasonable, and respectful.
• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Enforce consequences consistently. If you don't, you teach children to persistently try to "get away" with aggressive behavior.
• Give children a lot of verbal guidance and coaching when they are expressing feelings. Do this before children “act out” with aggression.
• Introduce and coach the boys through basic problem-solving steps to resolve conflict, which include:
• Identify the problem.
• Brainstorm options for solving the problem.
• Evaluate pros and cons of each option.
• Select one option that seems best to all.
• Implement option.
• Evaluate success of conflict resolution.
• If necessary, repeat steps until satisfaction is reached.

My staff knows the conflict resolution process, but no matter how you look at it, it takes time and teacher attention. How do you take two children to the Peace Table for discussion while leaving another adult to supervise 14 children? Conflict resolution takes TIME.

While one teacher works with two children to help them resolve conflict, it often does leave another teacher with too many children to teach, care for, and supervise at once. Dealing with that reality is a daily challenge. Because you are absolutely correct—teaching children to constructively solve problems does take time. But I think in the long run not teaching conflict resolution will take more time because problems—and the consequences of conflict—will grow larger and more damaging if children go onto school and their teen years without good conflict resolution skills.

What you point out is a very big limitation in most programs. We simply have too few qualified staff on hand to do the type of individualized teaching and coaching that young children require. Programs that operate based on legal licensing minimums are at a disadvantage in terms of capability to teach conflict resolution in a meaningful way. Minimums are set for the "least" we can provide children to remain legal. In my view, "least" isn't good enough when teaching children anything, but especially something as critical and complicated as the life-enhancing skill of peaceful conflict resolution.

When budgets won't allow for greater personnel costs, try to recruit able volunteers during peak interaction times. Grandparents, retired teachers, and college or high school practicum lab students can help increase teacher-to-child ratios.

But of course, I recommend you advocate diligently for greater staff resource dollars. Budgets for optimal staffing, not minimum staffing, should be the goal for children's programs. I believe such budgets will ultimately have to be supported by parents, providers, taxpayers, and business, government, and community leaders. As a nation, we can't afford to give minimum support to the critical learning that takes place in childhood.

For the time being, I encourage you to continue coaching children individually through conflict—even though it means one teacher will be out of the immediate circle of the larger group. Classroom conflict creates a "teachable moment" for everyone. The other children watching you patiently coach children through the steps of respectful resolution WILL learn lessons in solving problems, too. And they will realize that when their feelings are out of control, you will be on hand to help them cope, just as you help their friends. That has to be a comfort to our littlest learners.

How can a brand-new teacher help children (4- to 5-year-olds) stop spitting?

Whether a teacher is seasoned or brand-new, spitting is frustrating to confront. I recommend you be firm and matter-of-fact about the issue. First, be sure all involved know the clear expectation and behavior limit: "You may not spit at others. If you're upset, express your feelings with words, not spit." As you back up the expectation, some responses to incidents might be:

• "Here's a tissue, you may spit into it, not onto our classmate. Now, tell him what is bothering you. I'll stay here to help."
• "If you need to spit, go into the bathroom and spit into the toilet. Spitting at people is not allowed at our school."
• "Get a tissue for your classmate so he can wipe off the spit. Then you can tell her what you are so angry about. I'll stay right here to help you both listen to each other."
• "You may not spit at people in our school. If you continue to spit, you'll have to leave this play area."

After you address a child's inappropriate behavior, remember to reassure the child that he or she can improve. For instance, here's a way to finalize a discipline incident with a sense of hope. Say: "It takes self-control not to spit when you're angry. I have faith you can learn not to do it. It will take some practice. Thanks for working on it."

My daughter is 10 years old and is being bullied in school. How can I help my daughter to deal with the situation?Thank her for letting you know of her predicament. Listen to her feelings; help her identify some caring, trustworthy adults she can turn to in school for help. Build her sense of worth in as many ways as possible. Also teach her ways to stand up for herself that will not escalate violence. (See suggestions in other answers given in this Web Talk.) Also contact her teachers in school for their assistance and suggestions.

Following are excellent resources to investigate. I'm sure they can help you help your child. One book covers preschoolers through teens, the second book is for preschool teachers.

Books

• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School—How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso

• The Anti-Bullying and Teasing Book for Preschool Classrooms by Barbara Sprung, Merle Froschl, with Dr. Blythe Hinitz

Web Sites

• When Your Child Is Bullied
  http://www.parentsaction.org/share/pointersforparents/bullying Editor's Note: this url is no longer active.
• Dealing With Bullies
  http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/bullies.html

What are some of the "standard" dialogues that we want to model for children?

Teaching children to resolve conflict respectfully requires creating a complete classroom (or home) environment that is conducive to civil, kind, and caring interactions. It goes far beyond verbal dialogue alone. Below, I'd like to address how the entire environmental stage can be set for children to succeed at conflict resolution. The discussion will include some typical dialogue examples. I hope it will give you ideas on how to present ideas to children, but remember that a comprehensive teaching approach involves much more than typical dialogue. Children attend to our actions much more than our mere words. Also, because every child and setting is unique, MOST teacher responses must be "customized" to specific children and incidents. There really are no pat answers, or we'd seem more like robots than informed and intuitive teachers. That's why early childhood is such a labor-intensive occupation—it takes a lot of adult coaching to help children, and it requires a lot of spontaneous "thinking on your feet" that is challenging.

In each developmental stage, children gradually expand their capacity to balance their personal rights, needs, and wants with those of others. Key to teaching children to handle conflict is helping them identify their emotions. They must also (and this is the hardest part!) learn to control how they express and act on their emotions. To become socially responsible, it's critical that children realize they have choice and decision-making power over their behavior.

There's another challenge in conflict resolution. Children must learn to "interpret" others' emotions. That requires recognizing that everyone has feelings and rights. Being sensitive to others’ emotions and then taking into account their differing perspectives and point of views is very hard for young children; it's a high-level thinking skill that even adults can find difficult. Following are tips to help you help children manage conflict:

Model a rich "feelings" vocabulary. From infancy, begin putting words to emotions. Pair words with facial expressions; it helps children learn that everyone has unique feelings. "When you squirm, I can tell it is frustrating getting your diaper changed. Hold on for just a minute longer."

Encourage toddlers to empathize by "translating" others' body language. "That boy is upset; he's crying because someone grabbed his toy from him. He wants it back."

With preschoolers, introduce words to "name" feelings associated with conflict. Examples include frightened, anxious, mad, scared, angry, worried, nervous, afraid, frustrated, confused, lonely, tricked, ignored, left out, embarrassed, mad, unimportant.

Set the standard and enforce limits. Affirm everyone's right to be safe—emotionally and physically. As soon as children are old enough, lay down the ground rules for solving disagreements. Identify which behaviors are acceptable and which aren't: "It's unacceptable to throw toys. Tell me what's wrong."

Be a good example. Tell children they can feel any way they wish, but they must control how they act on their feelings. Illustrate the behavior you expect of children. If you don't want them yelling, name-calling, or belittling others, change your own ways first.

Encourage language as a problem-solving tool. Ask children to tell you what they want or need. Emphasize using language, rather than grunts, shoves, or hits: "Tell me if you want more peas." Remember, 18-month-olds can understand more language than they can say. Model using language to get along with others: "Tonya, I want to build with blocks, too. May I sit by you, please?"

Help children cope with feelings constructively. Be on hand to help children "interpret" their emotions: "You seem really angry. It's frustrating when someone gets a toy you wanted first. Crying didn't help. Is there another toy you can play with while you wait for that one?"

Show children how to address problems without aggression. Focus on behavior, not name-calling, and on what can be achieved, rather than blaming or shaming. Family educators encourage adults to use "I-Feel" statements and to teach children to use them as well.

Here's the format:

I feel ____ when you ____ because ____. Next time I would like you to ____.

Example: I feel frustrated when you grab at the book because it might tear. Next time I would like you to wait for me to ask you to turn the page.

Offer regular and extended periods of peer play—often called free play in daily schedules. Offer at least 45-minute stretches in your daily schedule. Full-day programs will want to offer these periods several times a day, and some even offer 1 hour to 1-1/2 hours of peer play in the morning and afternoon.

Most of children's activities should be in small groups with peer interaction integrated into the process. An overwhelming day of primarily teacher-directed activities leaves very little chance for children to practice and master peer social skills.

Well supervised and developmentally appropriate peer play gives children abundant chances to "practice" conflict resolution. Teachers should coach children's skills. Arrange the environment to help children socially succeed. For instance, are there enough toys for children to share without heated conflict? Are there toys that encourage cooperation and turn-taking, such as wagons, puppets, blocks, pretend play items, or table games?

Offer choices. Because children are just learning about emotions and language, they need help sorting things out in conflicts. They can even distract themselves with their own tantrums. Interpret first: "Crying isn't helping. Here are two things you can do." When given a clear choice, children are better able to calm down, focus, and follow through. They'll also need more reminders about their choices.

Take a stand against physical aggression and name-calling. "I won't let you hurt Tom. I'd never let him hit you, either. Think of another way to solve this."

Resist solving problems for preschool children; instead guide with questions. When children turn to you for help, resist sending them away to a "time-out," splitting them apart, or telling them exactly what to do. Instead, coach them in the basic steps of problem solving. Give each child a chance to speak. Ask questions that encourage them to analyze the situation and options. "What is the problem? What have they already tried to solve it? How did it work? Is there something else they can do? After brainstorming possible alternatives, together analyze the feasibility of each solution. By voting or verbal agreement, select and carry out a plan. If the problem recurs, go back to problem solving.

Offer feedback and appreciation. Comment on productive problem solving: "I heard you and Andy arguing over the red crayon. That was a good idea to reassure him that you'd give it to him next." Or: "I heard you telling Trisha you were angry that she knocked down your block building; that was a good self-control."

Explore ways to make amends after conflict. After conflict, most kids go on about the business of play. But sometimes kids need help knowing how to mend fences. If it's true, kids can say they are sorry. But there are other ways, too. I often ask, "If you want LaGreta to stay friends, what would make her feel better?" Sometimes a child says, "I'm sorry." Other times they give a hug, draw a picture, or give a flower. Authentic amends is what's important.

Support classroom experiences with good children's literature. I've always found that children can vicariously reflect upon concepts when the concepts are introduced in a children's book. Somehow, children can be more objective when considering how story characters behave and solve problems. Below is a list of picture book literature to share with classroom teachers so they can use them to create "teachable moments" with children.

Children's Books on Resolving Conflict

• That's Not Fair, Hare! by Julie Sykes (Hauppauge, NY: Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 2001)
• It's Mine, Christopher Bear! by Stephanie Jeffs (Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress Publishers, 2002)
• Swimmy by Leo Lionni (New York: Scholastic, 1963)
• That's Not Fair by Gyo Fujikawa (New York: Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 1983)
• Fritz and the Beautiful Horses by Jan Brett (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1981)
• That Toad Is Mine! by Barbara Shook Hazen (New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, 1998)
• The Lazy Bear by Brian Wildsmith (New York: Franklin Watts, Inc., 1974)
• Move Over, Twerp by Martha Alexander (New York: Dial Press, 1981)
• Matthew and Tilly by Rebecca Jones (New York: Dutton, 1991)
• Not Fair, Won't Share! by Lindsey Gardiner (Hauppauge, NY: Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 2002)
• The Sneetches and Other Stories by Dr. Seuss (New York: Random House, 1961)
• Franklin Is Bossy by Paulette Bourgeois (New York: Scholastic, 1993)
• This Is Our House by Michael Rosen (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick Press, 1996)
• Luka's Quilt by Georgia Guback (New York: Greenwillow, 1994)
• Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman (New York: Dial Press, 1991)
• Six Crows by Leo Lionni (New York: Scholastic, 1988)
• The Hating Book by Charlotte Zolotow (New York: Harper Trophy, 1969)
• Jamaica Tag-Along by Juanita Havill (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1989)

How do we make sure that we don't insist on "sorry" when the child is not yet sorry?After peer conflict, most children go on about the business of play. But sometimes they need help knowing how to mend fences. Like most adults, I believe it's important for children to feel a sense of remorse and regret when they offend or aggress upon someone. Through adult modeling, I hope children learn ways to express regret. However, if we adults too quickly demand that a child tell another "I'm sorry," we may be doing more harm than good.

For one thing, in the heat of a moment, most children aren't immediately sorry. And so an adult telling them to say "I'm sorry" is essentially asking the child to lie. In fact, forcing children to immediately and robotically say "I'm sorry" to someone is one of children's first introductions to adults' usage of "white lies" to evade uncomfortable situations. Sadly, adults often betray their own lessons to children. I also think that telling children to chant "I'm sorry" actually gives children a very quick and easy way out of an uncivil or aggressive situation. Rote "I'm sorry" doesn't motivate true reflection in children.

I much prefer that adults help children explore a variety of ways to make amends after peer conflict. One method is for children to say "I'm sorry." But there are other ways, too. I often ask a child something like: "You and LeGreta really got into a fight in the dress-up area. If you want LaGreta to stay friends, what could make her feel better?" Sometimes when a teacher prompts a child to reflect, the child will say "I'm sorry"; other times, she gives her peer a hug, draws them a picture, or gives a flower from the play yard. If we wish to teach children successful conflict resolution, making authentic amends is important.

How do you continue to supervise the entire group while modeling conflict resolution to a pair of students?

Please see my earlier response to a very similar question.

How would you answer questions about biting from teachers caring for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers?

In group care, there are many peers, all with their varying moods, temperaments, and competing interests for toys and teachers. And so, there are increased chances for biting. But take heart—that same peer group experience also provides children with the "teachable moments" they need to master emotional and social competence.

When adults become "detective-like" and look for clues, we are better informed as we select prevention strategies. And we're more likely to choose responses that successfully guide children onto better self-control.

Identifying conditions and situations that contribute to biting can help parents and care professionals respond wisely, but it can be tricky. The reasons that children bite vary immensely. And, in truth, an exact cause is sometimes never pinned down with certainty. We do know that, by nature, toddlers, 2-year-olds, and some young 3-year-olds strive to "get what they want, when they want it." And so they sometimes "act out" or use aggression, such as biting.

Very young children rely on nonverbal communication, rather than verbal language, to express wishes and feelings. And so it's critical to observe children's behavior and the conditions that lead to a biting incident. Observation can help us fathom children's motivations or primary goal.

Some children may be prone to biting when hungry, tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, or enduring teething pain. Others may bite to get an adult's undivided attention or to get a toy from a playmate. Biting is also a way for children to exert a sense of power and control. Children sometimes bite out of exploratory curiosity or interest in textures and sensations. They are equally fascinated by cause and effect. And, of course, imitation always comes into play with children's behavior, too.

Observe to see whether your child bites out of frustration or out of self-defense. Reflect on stresses that a child may be enduring that may contribute to temper flares. For instance, long-term separation during a parent's work travel can lower children's frustration tolerance.

In some cases, it's the group care environment that contributes to biting. Too few toys, overcrowded conditions, excessive noise, or frequent change in teaching staff whittle away at children's emotional reserves. Here are some tips for responding to biting:

• Discuss the issue with the person who parents and cares for the child. In group care, meet with teaching staff to discuss the issue. All adults should be prepared to share insights and ask questions. Avoid blaming or making accusations. Open communication and mutual constructive problem solving work better than finger-pointing.
• No one response is best for all biting incidents. Together, brainstorm response options.
• Usually biting can be stopped within 2 to 4 weeks. Once you put a response plan in action, be patient and keep daily notes. Keep track of daily progress and discuss developments with all adults concerned.
• Practice prevention. Anticipate when, where, and with whom biting might occur. When tensions build, redirect children's behavior to something more constructive. Encourage children to give playmates "more space" to reduce tension.
• Remedy stressful conditions identified during observation. If a child is teething, provide a substitute for biting, such as a teething ring.
• Limit frustrations by keeping to a predictable routine for eating, sleeping, and playing.
• With words that children can understand, discuss everyone's right not to be pushed, hit, grabbed, bitten, or otherwise physically hurt. Teach children how to stand up for themselves in the face of conflict. Coach them with phrases that can be used confidently with an aggressor: "Stop that." "I don't like that." "That hurts. Don't bite me!"
• When a biting incident occurs, resist labeling a child a "biter." Never refer to children as biters. Children often live up to negative labels we stick on them. Don't doom a child forever as "the biter." The child’s behavior is temporary, not permanent.
• Accentuate the positive and express hopeful expectations. Encourage and give children positive feedback whenever they resolve conflict positively or express frustration without biting or other aggression.
• Keep close to a child who bites or who is frequently bitten (often called shadowing a child). When conflict heats up, "coach" children to use their emerging vocabulary. Prompt them to express desires and feelings BEFORE they take a step toward biting.
• When biting occurs, remain calm so all children can trust the parent or adult to remain in control and re-establish harmony.
• Comfort the bitten child first so biting isn't rewarded with an adult's immediate action. Comfort may include a lap to sit upon or a cold compress for the bitten area. In group care settings, teachers encourage empathy by asking the child who bites to get a comfort item or tissue for the child he or she hurt.
• As soon as the victim is comforted, firmly and simply express unquestionable disapproval of biting. Your facial expressions should confirm that biting is unacceptable, too. Convey firmness with direct eye contact and serious demeanor. Keep comments short. Long lectures are lost on very young children.
• Avoid responding with physical or verbal aggression. Yelling, name-calling, spanking, biting children back, or popping their mouth so they bite their own tongue all send counterproductive, harmful messages. And they don't work. Always model for children how you want them to behave. To teach control, illustrate appropriate behavior and language.
• Use simple words to express your alarm and frustration. Here are examples of short sentences: "I don't want you to bite." "Biting hurts. Find another way.” “Others don't want to play with you if you bite." "It is never okay to bite. I want everyone to be safe." "Tell someone you are mad, but do not bite."
• The goal is to help children develop empathy, self-control, and positive social skills. Role model those skills. Teach children to calm themselves, and teach them how to think of alternatives to conflict, such as playing with another friend, offering to trade or swap toys, etc.
• If a child bites to get an item (such as toy), don't allow the behavior to succeed. Make sure the toy is given back to the bitten child. Say something like, "I know you want that toy a lot, but Terri is playing with it now. You can't bite to get it. When Terri is done, you can play with it. Find another toy for now."
• Always project hope for children's future success. Affirm that you know they will learn to stop biting. Never emotionally abandon a child who has bitten by punishing the child with cold rejection, withholding love, or refusing to comfort and forgive the child. Though it is easier to empathize with a child bitten, the aggressing child is also under stress. An isolated, scorned, or terrified child does not stop biting; treating a child this way creates more anger and alienation—feelings no child should have to endure.

Books for Parents

• The Emotional Life of the Toddler by Alicia F. Lieberman (New York: Free Press, 1993)
• Parenting Guide to Your Toddler by Paula Spencer (New York: Random House, 2000)
• Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber (Los Angeles: Resources for Infant Educarers, 2002)

Books for Your Early Childhood Program Staff

• No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs by Gretchen Kinnell (St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press, 2002)
• Infants, Toddlers, and Caregivers: A Curriculum of Respectful, Responsive Care and Education by Janet Gonzalez-Mena and Dianne Widmeyer Eyer (Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2004)
• Innovations: Infant-Toddler Development by Kay Albrecht and Linda Miller (Beltsville, MD: Gryphon House, 2001)
• Prime Times: A Handbook for Excellence in Infant and Toddler Programs by Jim Greenman and Anne Stonehouse (Chapter 9) (Beltsville, MD: Gryphon House, 1996)
• So This Is Normal Too? Teachers and Parents Working Out Developmental Issues in Young Children by Deborah Hewitt (Chapter 16) (St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press, 1995)

Online Articles for Early Childhood Program Staff

• Greenman, Jim, & Stonehouse, Anne Willis. (1994). Reality bites: Biting at the center—Part 1. Child Care Information Exchange, 99, 85-88.
• Greenman, Jim. (1995). Reality bites: Biting at the center—Part 2. Child Care Information Exchange, 101, 65-67. (These articles are also available online for a fee at http://www.ChildCareExchange.com.)

How do you address hitting, pushing, and name-calling as strategies used by young children when addressing "conflict" in group situations?

A parent's or teacher's interpersonal interaction style teaches children how to handle conflict. Common sense and research tell us that children exposed to aggression and violence at home (whether verbal or physical) are prone to react the same way with peers. Discipline that humiliates or inflicts hurtful physical punishment, rather than verbal problem solving, contributes to children with poor social skills. Parents who refuse to tolerate children name-calling, taunting, bullying, or hurting others help children avoid peer rejection.

So it’s wise for us all to use a positive, authoritative style of discipline. It involves (1) setting clear and understandable expectations and limits according to a child's age and experiences, (2) giving understandable reasons for expectations and limits, (3) communicating consequences for acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and (4) consistently enforcing or following through with consequences. The resource section of this Web talk provides a variety of resources on positive discipline and guidance.

Take time to involve children—according to their age and ability—in the process of creating home or classroom rules for appropriate behavior. Involving children teaches children to consider others’ views. It helps set standards for fairness and compromise, too. With words that children can understand, discuss everyone's right not to be pushed, hit, grabbed, bitten, or otherwise physically hurt.

Teach children how to stand up for themselves in the face of conflict. Coach them with phrases that can be used confidently with an aggressor: "Stop that." "I don't like that." "That hurts."

Try giving clear behavior expectations by sharing the function of an object rather than saying something vague like "Behave" or "Stop it." For example, say: "The horn is for blowing. You may not hit with it." "Blocks are for building, not throwing. If you hit with blocks, you'll lose your privilege to play with them right now."

Give children reasons for expectations. For example, say: "Use kind words with grandmother so you don't hurt her feelings." "Look at Maria's face, she is crying. It scared her when you pushed her down. I expect you to be gentle so others aren't hurt."

Parents and other significant adults can role model and coach children in positive social skills. Reinforce those skills when children use them. When children patiently compromise, share, take turns, hold their tempers, negotiate, apologize, or make amends for a wrongdoing or otherwise control their behavior, tell them you admire them for it. Don't be stingy with recognition and encouragement for skills achieved! If we ONLY respond to children when they hit, push, or name-call, we are actually reinforcing those behaviors over prosocial skills.

Model positive conflict resolution by taking time to play with children. When building with blocks together, you can model behaviors you want children to adopt.

Give honest feedback when children behave in ways that will lead to rejection. If a child roughly grabs a block from you, respond, "It hurts my feelings when you grab the block without asking first. Find another way to get me to share." If the child doesn't understand, suggest strategies, such as, "Try asking me with words. Offer me one of your blocks, and I might trade for the one you want."

I have a daughter who’s going to be 4 years old on August 31. When she’s with her best friend, she gets repressed and becomes rather shy (her friend turned 4 years old on January 19). I feel that this little girl overshadows my daughter. She wants my daughter to do whatever she (the friend) wants, to which my daughter responds with tears. What can I do? What do I do so that she has the confidence to tell her friend “no”—because I’ve also seen that she’s somewhat afraid (I don’t know if it’s correct to call it exactly that).

In an earlier question, I shared ideas for helping mild-mannered children learn to "stand up" to more dominant children. Please refer to it to guide you in your daughter's situation as well.

In your daughter's specific case, it sounds as if your child needs help remembering that she has equal rights to her friend. By this I mean, equal right to contribute to play and influence how they play and what they play together.

This situation is not unusual. An important part of social skill development in early childhood is a child learning how to be a leader in play sometimes as well as a cooperative play partner at other times. It's all part of learning how to engage in teamwork that will be important in adult life.

I believe both children in your situation will benefit from some subtle coaching from you. But remember, it will take time and consistent effort. Your daughter's submissive attitude won't change overnight. But gradually she can learn to stand equally with peers. Likewise your daughter's friend can learn to share the play leadership role with more respect and grace.

Sometimes more dominant children are just faster at making play decisions and are more firm—or enthusiastic—in doing so. Over time, more dominant children can learn to take peers' perspectives into greater consideration so they can cooperate in play with more grace and respect. That is why I say both children in the situation need some adult guidance. Below are some strategies for you to consider as you decide how to respond.

The first step is to be a good role model for your daughter. Does she see you give in to others in the family often in order to "keep the peace" or to completely avoid family conflict? It is a role some mothers play in families, but often fathers, too. Reflect and be honest with yourself. Does your daughter see you giving in to other people's ideas too often or too quickly? Being submissive in play is, in part, a learned behavior. Even young children can "read" parents' body language that reveals telltale signs of giving in against one's wishes. Make sure your child sees YOU succeed in "give-and-take" social situations so she has a good role model.

If you observe situations in which your child lets her friend "take over" play with her own ideas, reflect on the incident with your child after her friend leaves. You can say to your daughter, "I noticed you wanted to be the Mommy in your pretend play, but you never got a chance. I wonder, could you ask your friend for a turn at playing Mommy? It didn't look like you enjoyed always being the 'baby' while you two played together."

During your child's play, you can also observe and make calm, matter-of-fact, objective comments shared to increase cooperative, "give-and-take" play. With words and your tone of voice, avoid inferring a negative judgment of either girl. Merely state out loud what you observe. For instance, if your daughter's friend insists on being the "Mommy" all the time, you can say to them in a kind way: "It looks to me like you both want turns to be Mommy. I bet you can trade roles every once in a while." A comment like that from you states your expectation that both children are to play cooperatively rather than one being dominant all the time and the other submissive.

If your daughter's friend is very resistant to trading roles, you can even suggest that the girls set a timer that would sound when they would trade roles. Sometimes that takes the emotion out of a situation, so children learn that trading back and forth requires considering passage of time. Since young children can't read time via clocks or watches, the timer gives them an auditory signal to notice. Also, during children's play, you can stand near to help bolster your child's self-confidence and to "back her up" if her friend begins to take over too much.

If you see your child wishing play to go another way, quietly tell her that she has the right to say how they play, too. You might even give her an example of how she can skillfully communicate with her friend. For instance, say to your child, "Tell your friend you don't want to be the baby all the time. I'll be here to make sure she listens to you. You have every right to share your ideas, too."

And, of course, whenever your child stands up for her own wants and needs—whether to her friend or siblings—be sure to acknowledge it with encouragement and admiration. For example, say: "I saw you finding a way that both of you could play house and have fun. That was wise of you to tell your friend what you wanted. You don't have to be scared to tell friends what you think. A good friend wants to hear your ideas, too."

Also, be sure to acknowledge whenever your daughter's friend plays sensitively and cooperatively. For instance, when you can sincerely say it, tell the friend you noticed that she listened to your daughter's point of view and that you appreciate it. Or say, "I saw how you let my daughter play the Mommy sometimes. That was excellent cooperation. How kind of you that was."

Whenever you observe the girls playing cooperatively together, you can also give them casual and specific feedback by saying, "It's so nice seeing you two enjoy playing together. Your ideas fit together well. I can see why you are friends."

I hope some of those ideas fit your situation. As you can tell, helping children develop good social skills takes some adult time, but the learning children gain will assist them for a lifetime of social involvement.

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